I Like Escalators

"I like escalators because an escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg

While I was at lunch this week, I saw this sign, and I thought it was one of the most ridiculous things I've seen in a while. There was no repair being done to the escalator. Were they concerned that it might suddenly turning on, while people were walking down it, or were they just worried that people have forgotten how to use stairs?

Two Sides to a Story

The night started out like many weekends before, looking for entertainment provided by the local bar scene. Jason and I were heading a to a bar that would be closing within the coming weeks to meet up with some of my college friends, one who was celebrating his birthday.

Now normally someone celebrating a birthday wouldn't be that odd, but Wreck's birthday was an exception. None of his friends from college had known which day his birthday fell on until recently (Wreck will not even tell people the name given to him at birth). I was told that Wreck was now celebrating his birthday because he realized that when it's your birthday people buy you drinks.

When we arrived at the bar it was much different then I expected. The place was completely packed and looked more like a giant house party in someone's basement then a chill, local bar. When we walked in I was greeted by a pretty large group of people. I think they were pretty surprised I showed up because in the past, in their words, I was always about the BBD (bigger better deal). Jason and I went to the bar and to my surprise he ordered two pitchers.

When we made our trip back from the bar, Jason met a few of the characters I was telling him about earlier (Wreck, Crazy Ted, Sage, Richmond Rob , etc.). I don't think he got the full experience of how "interesting" some of these people are, but I think he got an idea after talking to Wreck for a few minutes.

At about the same time a girl that I had only seen around and had never talked to before asked me if I was still working at the same company I was working for before. I was really confused and I introduced myself. She said she was the ex-girlfriend of Andrew, a guy I lived on the same hallway with my Freshman year of college. Andrew went on to live with my freshman roommate Derrick. Long story short both guys were d-bags. Apparently Andrew use to point me out when they were walking around campus but would never say anything or introduce her to me. Talk about strange. Pardon my incoherent thoughts, but I'm a ramblin' man.

Jason and I were shooting the shit when I saw a girl I met a few weeks ago. I was at Taco Night, at bar a few weeks ago, and I spent most the time making fun of her girly drink selections and when she was having a tough time deciding on a drink I told the waitress she wanted Sex on the Beach. All I said was "Sex on the Beach" and she remembered who I was and she seemed really excited to see me.

Isabella was looking better then I remember and I really had no expectations of seeing her again, so I was a little caught off guard when I saw her at Wreck's birthday. Isabella, her two friends, Jason, and I eventually took over a table. Around the same time Jason started acting more and more ridiculous. It was the most absurd I've seen someone act in a long time. In the words of Jeremy "it was a show".

The rest of the evening was spent hitting on Isabella while Jason was Goose to my Maverick. I give many props to Jason because these girls were hurtings and he was doing an incredible job. Isabella hinted many times that we should hangout again and we eventually exchanged numbers. We managed to make a very entertaining evening out of something that could of been relatively boring: A Gaines family tradition.

Allow me to Introduce Myself

Hi, my name is Freddy Gaines, I'm a Renaissance man, with a knack for modesty. I'm the Catch-Phrase-King and have a passion for repetitive humor (everything's an inside joke; including the previous statement). I don't like saying goodbye twice, especially in parking lots.

I am currently a resident of Virginia making a living doing something I enjoy. My free time is spent watching documentaries, learning, pushing the limits of ridiculousness, and enjoying life to the fullest. I've mastered the art of telling a bad joke and making it funnier then a good one. Necessity is the mother of invention.

I talk a lot louder then I should. Acronyms are always coming out my mouth, TWSS. I haven't paid for a haircut in 2 years (I guess that infers I have some kind of hookup at a local barbershop. I guess I'll just let you assume that and continue on with my unorganized rant). I have a passion for repetitive humor. I enjoy getting in debates about things that no one can prove. I once freestyled over "Billie Jean" at a biker bar, on karaoke night, and lived to tell about it. I'm not addicted to gambling.

I'm horrible with directions. I break cellphones too often. I've quoted rappers in term papers. My shoes are always clean. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Actually never mind, that was Shock G from Digital Underground.

Smoke bomb.

Re-inventing the Alter-Ego

Some notes from the evening:
-Freddy and I went to Dr. Dreamo's, a soon-to-be closed beer-only shithole. One of Freddy's friends from college was having a birthday party, and so before we go any further, a bit about him:
-So obviously I meet him, and introduce myself,
"Jason"
"Wreck"
"Rick?"
"Wreck."
What? What kind of name is Wreck? Not, 'The Wreck' or 'A Wreck' (Which would have been a perfect opportunity for Potbelly Sandwich Works to sponsor a tattoo on his forehead), just 'Wreck'. This was the first sign that the evening was going to be ridiculous. Wreck was celebrating his first birthday in 8 years. Not born on the rare double-leap year, he actually refused to tell anyone (even his girlfriend) when his birthday was. This nugget was on the heels of me asking, unsuccessfully, what his real name was. His recent decision to celebrate his birthday came out of the discovery that, if you told people (bartenders, restaurateurs, strippers, your friends) that it was your birthday, YOU GOT FREE SHIT. Was he living in North Korea for the past 8 years? Moving on.
-On not one, but two occasions, Wreck has drunk his own urine. Pee pee. The Golden Shower. Whatever you want to call it, Wreck has done it. Twice. Not on a bet, but just to see what it tastes like.
Me- "So, uh, you know, what was that like?"
Wreck-"Drinking my own piss?"
Me-"Yeah"
Wreck-"Well, it was salty and warm, but it actually wasn't that gross. Once you get away from the warmth and the salt, it wasn't that bad."

So that was Wreck. The other highlight of the night came after a few pitchers, when, in the words of Freddy, I 'created an alter-ego for my alter-ego'. I was playing wingman for young Frederick, when I felt the urge to entertain myself. I settled on using the RZA voice for the rest of the night. If you've never heard the RZA, I highly recommend that you educate yourself on how ridiculous it can be when used in the correct situations. Oh, and I was also wearing a red corduroy hat from 1982 that is older than I am and seriously upped the ridic factor.

Well, between the gallon or so of beer and my desperate need to entertain myself, I got lost in the alter-alter-ego. I wandered around talking nonsense, acting ridiculous and by comparison, making Freddy look like a champion to the lucky lady, all while successfully distracting her... not quite as lucky friends. I think that's a good way to put it. Freddy Mercury did his thing admirably. On the walk back to the Metro, we decided we needed some Taco Bell.


-Problem: It was 2 in the morning, and only the TB drive-through is open.

-Solution: Jason makes friends with a random car in line, hops in the passenger seat, and orders 4th meal.

-Ridiculosity Factor: The guy in the car went to GMU around the same time that Jason did, had the same professors, and was around for that little thing known as the Final Four. Jason and Alum hit it off, and are best friends after the shared 5 minutes that made up the Taco Bell run (not really but you get the idea).

Bring on tonight.