Gaines Family Blog

Hustlin’

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Thu, 15 May 2008 04:14:00 +0000

Chris Paul vs. Ron Jeremy: An academic comparison

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:19:00 +0000

With the inevitable comparison between CP3 and whichever point guard you choose to fondly remember (Pre-knicks Isiah), your boy Jason has decided to take a look at someone much closer to CP3 than your point guard du jour (or Tiger).

So, for your perusal,

Chris Paul vs Ron Jeremy

Lets look at the statistics

Both are short for their profession: CP- 6'0, RJ- 5'6
Both play much larger than their appearance would show: CP- 11.6 apg, RJ- 9.75 in
Neither is often seen on National TV
Both have names comprised of two first names (Think about it, if it was Paul Christopher or Jeremy Ronald, would you notice? Actually, probably, nevermind that point)
Both make players around them look better. You could put me beside Ron Jeremy and even I would look like Fabio out there. Similarly, even Kwame Brown would look like an All-Star next to CP3 (Okay, maybe he'd score double digits. No? FINE, he'd get playing time? This list is falling apart faster than the Spurs)
Before they got famous, both had to resort to something dirty to get recognition. Paul Christopher for his Tony-Skinn-esque love-tap to Julius Hodge, and Jeremy Ronald for his auto fellatio. I'm not even going to give you a link to either, because frankly nothing anyone can tell me will convince me to link to auto fellatio, and for my money, Chris Paul owes Tony Skinn royalties for the balltap. DID YOU GET TO THE FINAL FOUR PAUL CHRISTOPHER???
Both have been the elite in their industry without the ultimate recognition. Paul Christopher is going to get 2nd in the MVPIAMMM (Most Valuable Player In A Major Media Market), while Jeremy Ronald had a four year run in the 80's in which he only took home the AVN award for best supporting actor. In other news, anyone with tickets to the AVN's please contact MrJasonGaines AT gmail DOT com.
If you combine the two, you'll have Ron Paul, libertarian hero of young men living in their parents basement everywhere. Actually, if you think about it, avid sports blog readers or pornography perusers most likely live in their parents basement anyways.

So there you have it, the scientifically researched, peer reviewed, totally bullet, earthquake, and Bruce Bowen proof theory that Chris Paul is not the next coming of Isiah, Tiger (what?), or Smush Parker. Any complaints can be sent to MrJasonGaines@Gmail.com

Splash.

Pep Talks

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Sat, 03 May 2008 14:32:00 +0000

"Everybody wants sunshine, that's not always pleasant. Too much sun and no rain forms a desert." - Papoose

Lately I've had a few conversations with people about motivation and needing someone to say something to them to help pick them up. I often reply with some lame speech I've given a thousand times, probably comprised of bits and pieces of things I've heard older people in my life say and things I've seen in movies. The truth is you're the only one that you can truly control how you feel. If you sleep in all day and you don't feel like getting up to take a shower and get yourself moving then that's an internal question you need to address.

Another thing I've noticed a lot of my peers doing lately is complaining (me in included) about how something didn't go right or how the outcome you were expecting didn't happen. This generation has turned in people that make excuses and are self-pitying, Sure its natural to feel down once in a while, but if you're constantly complaining about how the chips aren't falling your way. Maybe you're the reason its happening.

Every healthy person needs to go through good and bad times. Its all relative. This is cliche (but the truth). If you never experience failure, you'll never be able to understand the value of success. Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team. (Ok that's not entirely true, but its a joke I use to have with people because every year at basketball tryouts no matter who the coach was they'd tell that story). The older I get the more I realize that situations good and bad are often what shape your character.

Another thing related to that is fear. Just because you've failed at something before doesn't mean that should prevent you from going for it again. (Do not use this statement when deciding whether or not to touch a frying pan.) Fear is something that is in our instincts to help us survive but it also screws up our decision making process often because we allow a feeling of failure to prevent us from doing what we want. Ok enough of me preaching. I'm going to go out and do something with my life today.

Chris Paul Blog Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Thu, 01 May 2008 05:54:00 +0000

Gaines Family Blog is proud to be a part of At The Hive's Chris Paul Blog Day, a celebration of the utter rediculosity that is CP3. We'll have one (or more) articles from the Gaines fam on May 6th, but we'll start with this, to get you warmed up:

In other news, I'm going to focus on DC sports for a while, including the impending, heartbreaking, and utterly typical Game 7 overtime (LeBitch) James buzzer beater. Hey, it wouldn't be DC without it! You'll still get your fix of angry rants, bad rap music, absentee bloggers (Jeremy), and promises of increased posting and better content.

Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:05:00 +0000

The opinions expressed here are those of Freddy Gaines and do not necessarily reflect the positions of gainesfamilyblog.com

1. Stop replacing "s" with "z" in the spelling of words. (i.e. wordz)
2. What's the deal with people drinking out of a can with a straw?
3. How many more music videos can start with someone being awaken by a telephone call?
4. Asking people you've known for less then 20 minutes if they have a myspace page is whack.
5. I don't want to join your facebook group because you lost your phone and now you have a new number.
6. I like to constantly adjust the volume of music and the television. I wish I knew why.
7. I don't want to hear vocals using the auto-tune effect ever again.
8. Please don't text while you drive. You almost hit me earlier, thanks.
9. Nickelback is not a good rock band, but you already knew that.
10. The comedian Steven Wright is really funny. If you like Mitch Hedberg you'll probably think he's funny too.
11. It is not necessary to tell people to type "www" before the address of a web site unless they are very old and do not have any computer experience.
12. Don't take the elevator if you're only going up one floor, two is even questionable.
13. It sounds like the person that lives above me is constantly vacuuming or using a power saw. Should I be concerned?
14. I've never been to Disney World and don't react like its the craziest thing you've ever heard.
15. The media can twist anything to get viewers.

Live Blog Game 2!

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:56:00 +0000

me: who you got caps or wiz or both or none

Freddy: both

me: big time optimist

i'm saying

win by one

typical DC loss by the other

prolly the DC loss by the Wiz (ed. Note: Called it)

then the DC loss for the Caps in game 7 (Called the Caps win too)

me: something to watch as a former big man:

watch how much space they give ben wallace when he has the ball

or moves in the paint

redic

he's utterly not an option

me: okay

fuck ben wallace's stupid hiar

how the fuck can the cavs get this many calls

are you serious

okay 2006 miami heat

me: fk philly scored already

a;gja;wklawjafjkawjkag FUCK LEBRON

aint nobody hit him in the mouth

OKAY MANU LEBRONOBILI

fk fk fk wow lebron

Freddy: i hate f-ing hate that guy

me: fucking hell how can the caps not just not score but also look like shit

on a power play

Freddy: lol

fuck hockey

me: aint nobody took no shots

bitches just skated around

fucking white people sport

Freddy: brb

me: hang on

i've got something for you to read

http://whitepresident.blogspot.com/2008/04/top-10-ways-to-foul-lebron-james.html

Freddy: wtf

me: wow magic is FAT

hahaahah

he and charles

over under 550 pounds between the two

i'm gonna say over

faaar over

Freddy: hahha

yeah probably

me: when i get rich i'm going to get someone to stretch me out

before everything

big board meeting

i'll be the guy on the ground in the suit

getting streched out

Some time later...

me: goddammit i don't care how good i was, if i was 7foot tall, I'd learn to shoot and be in the nba

Freddy: yeah man

me: i guess this was the team they envisioned when they made those trades

they look good

Freddy: "anyone can taunt when you're winning"

me: "he was standing above me in a very disrespectful manner"

Freddy: yes reggie, there is a time and a place

me: the time was when reggie could score 11 points in 15 seconds

Freddy: i really hate the cavs

lebron's not getting invited to my birthday party

me: i'm surprised the referee had the whistle in his mouth at all during that play

Freddy: "i love these hard......fouls" - reggie miller

me: so drinking game: every time reggie says 'hard foul' we take a shot

me: who's beard you got

alex ovechkin or deshawn stevenson

Freddy: stevenson...he reminds me of myself, talking shit when you're losing

me: aww lebron cut his wittle arm

haywood'll be suspended for that

Freddy: stern just called down to the refs

he didn't even touch him

Freddy: its the gold uniforms

me: i hate those fucking things, we look like we're wearing bad all-star jerseys from 1995

me: mike brown looks like a lounge singer

Freddy: fuck

me: if he ever gets a point guard, noone's stopping him

Freddy: wallace taking a charge? are you serious america?

this video is ridic

i'm sure you've seen it

but watch it all the way through

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnGRqW17JVA

me: jesus i leave and its 21 points???

Freddy: no comment

me: did someone replace antawn jamison with kwame brown??

Freddy: naw kwame plays for the lakers and he plays good

me: hahaha

at least caps are 3 -2

Freddy: lebron's over rated

me: why is gilbert still out there?

and why is wally rebounding

Freddy: maybe his knee will break

someone tell bulter we're down by 25

me: rule #2: think about fouling lebron james

hhheeesus 86-63

lebron's gettin a triple double

Freddy: i'm speechless

me: i think that AC and Joe scudda have a trademark on that... white guy/baseball hat/ half 'stache/ 'not saying i'm black but you get the idea' theme

Freddy: did you get the whole theme of the video

Freddy: they kidnapped kanye and put him in a trunk

and then it ends with his video

me: no way

is that kanye?

Freddy: naw, its a look a like

me: oh

well thats creative

good points for them

Freddy: that's why i sent it to you

its funny as shit

me: well hell

let me rewatch it

Freddy: word

me: well at least someone is doing something creative with their gifts

(sharp look over at caron butler)

me: ain't even worth watching anymore

i'm switchin to the cav/s

i mean

the caps

woahhh there freud

Freddy: arenas need to spend less time blogging and more time hobbling is gimp-ass around the court practicing

me: i can't quit you wizards

(switching back)

Freddy: (watches trapped on an island for the 4th time)

me: i'm trapped on an island

the natives are named lebron and wally

me: we're going to lose anywaysc

can someone hard foul him please?

Freddy: haywood did

lol

look at what happened

me: i guess

Freddy: *signs off, never to be heard of again

me: kind of like the wizards in the playoffs

Freddy: true....story

aight man

i'm gonna go take a shower with my toaster

peace

Who the hell is this emailing me at 11:26?

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:36:00 +0000

Shall we continue this blog?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Gaines) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:42:00 +0000

Due to recent events (Jeremy dating a Succubus, Veronica moving to Hollywood, Freddy OD'ing on Joose, and Jason finishing up his last semester for his GED), the Gaines Family Blog hasn't been much of a priority. Question is, loyal readers - shall we proceed?

Unfortunate News

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 23:23:00 +0000

Due to recent events, we've had Freddy shot.
Thank you,
Jason

Blogs are Stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:34:00 +0000

Dear Readers,

I've gotten a few IMs lately about the status of the blog and why it hasn't been updated on a more frequent basis. Why don't you write about this? Why don't you write about that? I've thought about posting reviews on books I've read or albums I've listened to, but I feel as though that would turn into 90% of the blogs on the internet. Spouting off my opinion as fact and trying to push my taste on other people. I'd rather tell a friend if I think they might like something to check it out. I listen to everything from Postal Service to Joe Budden. If I recommend the latest Rhymefest mixtape to the people that read this blog. Half them wouldn't know who Rhymefest is and the other half wouldn't care.

This whole blog originally started from a joke about alter-egos and the stories about what "crazy" things happen to us because we're single and we live near the Washington D.C. metropolitan area. None of us are Max Tucker. Half of us don't really care to put the effort in because they realize how stupid it is and the other half of us put up dumb videos and half-assed stories that all basically have the same plot. I try to make up for lack of writing style or ability with random internal links. Is it really funny if I talk about shoes and I link to Chuck Norris? That's about the equivalent of making a knock knock joke.

I was thinking about writing about March Madness and I'd make some reference to the movie Hoosiers and you'd think wow Freddy's just so funny. I also could of have gone at the angle of really vague inside jokes that only 3-4 people get, but really what's the point? Why am I even typing this right now? Who is still reading this? Look how trendy we are. My name is Freddy; I have a blog and I make jokes. I think I'm really funny but I'm not. You're funny...looking.

Sincerely,

Freddy Gaines

(I don't care about typos or grammatically incorrect sentences.)

Pure Hatred

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 17:13:00 +0000

This is how I feel about VCU, Ohio State, the Eagles, the Patriots, fat people, and people who like baseball.

Top 5 Famous People I'd Be Good Friends With - Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:25:00 +0000

Vince Vaughn - Not because of the obvious reasons, he makes good jokes, he's starred in some of my favorite movies, or that he's internationally known as a good dancer, I just want the opportunity to replace one tall joker with a slightly taller, better looking joker in my social circle.

So What

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 01:30:00 +0000

Lame Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:42:00 +0000

Took Tasha to the Hyatt, Baby Thinkitover, Hello Mother, Conversations with Jason's Dad, Pasta Salad, Joose, Hey Ma, Statuahs, GODS MVP, Cracker Barrel, Bars closing at 11:00, Electricity, Doglins, No Basil, I didn't know they had those at the Good Will, Too old to hangout with, Click soundtrack, Mr. Washington, Hook, Rapping Along with Forgot About Dre, Tickets getting canceled, Bank Street Entrance, Inside suspended dome, Not knowing American History, Trains filled with Coal, Swagger Jacking, Style Bitting, Badge Swiping, Veronica running everywhere, People that tell you that you can't walk 3 miles in one day, Really small car with normal gas millage, Driving golf balls into the street while on a balcony, TV show theme songs, Losing phones, No taxis, Jason being rich, Gawbage, Jock Jams at game, Elbow out, triple threat, Not seeing drive ways, Making an 'X' with your arms, NVER2LO, Overrated pizza, Sugar Water, Not good at being mediocre

For All You Smart Dumb Cats

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 13:16:00 +0000

"'Ay yo, this rap is like ziti, facin' me real TV/Crash at high speeds, strawberry kiwi'' - Ghostface Killah

noreply@blogger.com (Veronica) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 20:40:00 +0000

Cream Chipped Beef
Breakfast of Champions, yo

MIA

noreply@blogger.com (Veronica) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:59:00 +0000

Yes, I have been absent from these aforementioned shenanigans. Absent from Jack. Absent from tailgating. Absent from bull dike dates.

I have been molding my mind around new, sustainable technologies that will allow us to reconquer our energy supply and continue to rule the known natural world. Yes, boys and girls, I'm talking about biodiesel. I learned how to brew it this weekend and what a wonderful trade.

INGREDIENTS:
100 parts vegetable oil
10 parts alcohol (methanol or ethanol)
5 parts catalyst (sodium or potassium hydroxide)

INSTRUCTIONS:
Kiss back of hand. Pour catalyst on hand so that it absorbs all water from kiss and burns the shit out of it. Think Fight Club. Next, mix alcohol with catalyst in jar. Swirl until dissolved. Add mixture to vegetable oil. Shake. Let settle. You will be left with biodiesel and glycerin. Which you can make soap out of. Think Fight Club.

Don't try this at home.

In other news...

Got a call from drunk Jason on Saturday night. Hanging out with 18 year old girls. Getting them hammered. Irresponsibility. What we've come to expect from our youngest brother.

In other news...

Freddy and I need to record our new hit rap song. Nothing's going to stop us after President's Day.

This is Not a Game

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:57:00 +0000

Friday night was a busy night. Jason and I met up with some friends, at a local bar, to wish our friend happy birthday. Afterwards, we met up with some friends at a beer tasting alumni event (I've use the word "friends" a lot). We drank many beers, brewed at a local brewery, out of our commemorative glasses, which looked like the children of beer and shot glasses.

Then we went to a concert performed by Wale ("famous" for the song Nike Boots) and Carbon Leaf ("famous" for being from Richmond). During our trip to the new venue, one of our friends (I said it again) dropped his glass. Broken glass was everywhere. Authorities were concerned, we were not. Wale made fun of Soulja Boy (Haters made 'cuz I got me some Bathing Apes).

Afterwards we made our way to our friend (can I please find another word) DK's party. DK is famous (I use that term loosely) for wearing interesting shoes. There was Rock Band , there was beer pong, and there were crackers. We came, we saw, we conquered.

Fast-foward to Saturday (what is this TiVo?) The crew (There I did it, I used a new term) tailgated for the homecoming game. We grilled, we spilled, and we chilled. We tapped the Rockies. We saw Uggs (wack). We even pitched a tent (TWSS). We made it in for half the game. We Lost (What do we have two Sawyers on this island?).

Afterwards we went to a Jeremy's house and Jason and his entourage went their separate way. We then switched locations to another cohort's (What up SAT prep classes) homestead and a large group congregated. We watched some Zoolander (I use the word "watch" loosely). We did a lot of loitering in the kitchen. I was tired and I made my way back to my residence. I washed up and went to sleep. Overall it was a decent time.

chalk one up for Jeremy

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Gaines) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 03:39:00 +0000

So the blind date with "dog" never happened. My guilty-conscience'd friend hooking me up realized it would have been a disaster and called the whole thing off. Whew, dodged that bullet, right?... but what about date with bombshell? How would I get a good practice run in with a poo-poo-hurting before the real deal? Drats, foiled again it seems...

The answer, my beloved Gaines family, has and always will be found at the bottom of a bottle. Jack Daniels to be exact. Summary is as follows:

I arrive early... call her to check in. Shes in route, will meet me at the restaurant's bar.
I says to the bartender, I says "Jack and Coke please"
She arrives, IMMEDIATELY orders ginger ale and Jack. I think I'm in love already!
Go to the table, have a really, really great dinner, order drinks throughout.
Pay, then go back to the bar to have a good talk. It gets late, we say goodbye and go our separate ways.

All in all a really good, un-awkward blind date. Not bad at all. The moral of the story isn't so much getting hammered to have a good time or to act yourself... In fact, even with drinks-a-flowing, some dates will still always result in flaming wreckage. Being nervous about unforeseen events is normal, and will always happen to a certain degree. That being said, the moral we can all take away with is that a little jack and coke icebreaker never hurt anyone.

Cheers, bitches.

So what can you expect from GainesFamilyBlog...

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 16:38:00 +0000

... now that the writer's strike is over?

Better jokes.

Yes, our writers have finally returned from the Hollywood picket lines, and we fully expect the quality of the blog to seriously improve as they trickle back in. Let me introduce the first member of our award winning writing staff:

Franklin Shivan 'McLovin' Shepards- Franklin is a math expert, and his main duty is to make sure that Freddy repeats every joke at least 12 times. He has also served as the intern coordinator for Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. He moonlights as a bagger at Food Lion, which is reportedly where he gets most of his material.

You Hate Me, Well I Hate U2

noreply@blogger.com (Freddy Gaines) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 02:20:00 +0000

There's a pizza place near my work which is "Home to the 20 inch, biggest in Northern Virginia", TWSS. They debatably make the best New York style pizza in the whole DC metropolitan area and the ambiance is very palatial. The portions are so large (9.5 Courics to be exact) that just one slice is enough for an entire lunch.

The only catch is that one of the guys that works behind the counter is a Bono look alike, and is a complete douche-bag. He yells at customers telling them to hurry up, the pizzas aren't labeled and he's surprised when you just point at the pizza you ordered rather then calling it by name (Yes I realize this sounds like a certain episode of the Seinfeld, but I'm not going to make the obvious comparison).

After our trip there last week he pushed me close to the edge of retaliating back to his rude customer service, but I decided the pizza was too important. I've never been a fan of Bono nor U2 and despite the fact that he wears sunglasses inside, Bono knows how to make a great slice of pizza.

How I feel about the Super Bowl

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:17:00 +0000

I'm not sure if my previous post implied anything about how I felt about Sunday's game, but i feel like it can be summed up thusly:

I feel like the fucking kid in the candy store. The collective look from the Patriots sidelines reminded me of the look on any female's face between the ages of 12 and 55 when they heard that Heath Ledger had died. (Another HL joke. I know, too soon, too soon.) Quote from my friend Selina, "People just streamed out of the bar with 2 seconds left [like Belichick, that classless asshole -JG]. One guy just laid right down on the sidewalk and didn't move." Let me tell you something, as much as I like Selina, I don't feel one bit bad for the Patriots or their fans. Sorry Randy Moss, sorry Junior Seau. I'm sure you didn't feel bad about running the score to 52-7 against the Redskins, so I'm not gonna feel bad about the Giants beating you. Plus I'm a Steelers fan, and I remember you ending our 15-1 season in the AFC Championship game.

My personal feelings all boil down to something Black Bird said yesterday. "I could watch the clip of Eli escaping that tackle and Tyree making that catch forever." Lets look at what that catch represented.

Bill Simmons likes to write about the 'Eff-you' game, both the games that the Patriots played for 2 months after Spygate, simply annihilating everyone, and the innate requirement of the electronic Madden brain to destroy your perfect Madden season. Greg Easterbrook likes to write about the football gods, karmic beings of the gridiron. Sunday's game proved them both right; the football gods, deciding that enough was enough of The Hoodie's smugness, Tom Brady's love life (seriously? Tony Romo gets Jessica 'One-backup-dancer-away-from-Brittany-status' Simpson and Brady gets Giselle, and this is fair how?), and that little thing called Spygate (screed alert) , delivered a swift 'Eff-you' into the collective Patriot groin. Let it be said that karma exists.
Defense wins championships. Defense wins championships. Defense wins championships. High scoring offense DOES NOT win championships. Thank you Michael Strahan and Justin Tuck for making that rule relevant again.
Boston fans: You. Cannot. Win. Everything.

Given Sunday's result, I'm totally satisfied with the fact that I've been delirious on my couch for 3 days with the flu, hocking up what looks like little black pieces of Bill Belichick's soul.

Blind Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Gaines) — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 17:32:00 +0000

Having recently taken the dating world by storm, some friends and co-workers have been dying to set me up on blind dates with "the perfect girl". Apparently there is more than just one "perfect girl" in this world, as I'm going on not one, but TWO blind dates this week. Technically neither are "blind", as I've seen pictures of both. One is dog-ugly (but apparently GREAT personality), and the other is a drop-dead bombshell hottie. My plan is to use the date with the dog as practice for the date with the bombshell.

Seeing as how I've never been on a blind date, I did a few google searches on what to expect and found this great quote from Seinfeld. Needless to say, I'll bring my cellphone for emergency purposes.

Jerry: "Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?"
Elaine: "Twenty-five percent?"
Jerry: "Twenty-five percent?"
Elaine: "Um-hmm."
Jerry: "No way! It's like four-to-six percent. It's a 20-to-1 shot."
Elaine: "You're way off."
Jerry: "Way off?"
Elaine: "Yeah."
Jerry: "Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony down there."
Elaine: "So, basically, what you're saying is 95 percent of the population is un-date-able?"
Jerry: "Un-date-able!"
Elaine: "Then how are all these people getting together?"
Jerry: "Alcohol."

noreply@blogger.com (Jason Gaines) — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:00:00 +0000

What am I doing with my life?

Dear Diary

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy Gaines) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:05:00 +0000

Dear Diary,... uh, I mean Blog... I mean..

AH! why am I writing in pink? GAY!